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Urban Meyer Resigns from Family: Plans to Spend More Time With His Football

by Nathan Johnson

Urban Meyer — most famous for being such a good father and a health nut — has announced that he is resigning from family, effective immediately. This comes as a surprise to many, who cite Meyer’s unprecedented 15 game winning streak at the family’s weekly Jenga competition along with his near perfect enforcement of his hot daughter’s curfew.

At the core of Meyer’s decision to shift gears may be a recent series of health concerns.

“The doctors said that if I spent any more time with my family, I would probably be dead within the year. Most likely of boredom.”

Meyer acknowledges that it won’t be easy making the transition from his high profile gig as the leader of the Meyer household to the relative obscurity of being head coach at Ohio State. On Monday, he released this statement:

“I have been focusing on my family for 10 whole months — minus the 8 months I’ve focused on being an ESPN broadcaster. During that time, my primary goal has been to be a good husband and father — and trying not to look like a total asshole on live cable TV. I have thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. At this time in my life, however, I appreciate the sacrifices that being with family has demanded of me, and I know it is time to shift focus to my football and to winning championships. The decision to retire from my family was not an easy one. I know how fortunate I am to be in a position to make this choice and to have a football community as loving, supportive and desperate as the Ohio State Buckeyes are right now.”

Some critics are skeptical that Meyer will stay resigned from family. They point to 2009, when Meyer, after a 24-hour career as a family man, announced he was retiring from family to spend another year with the Florida Gators. It soon became clear, however, that Meyer had never really retired from family, as the Gators went on to a miserable season and a lousy recruiting class. Soon, everyone urged Meyer to get back to what he was really good at — hanging out with the family. Even with this recent announcement, though, Meyer hasn’t ruled out the possibility that one day he may again assume the responsibilities of having a family.

In any case, with Meyer now absent from his family, the search for the next leader of the Meyer household begins. The obvious front-runner for the position is Urban’s wife, Shelley. It’s unlikely, though, that a decision will be made quickly.

“There will obviously be a pretty rigorous review process,” Urban said. “This family is one of the premier in the nation, so I have a lot of confidence that they will be able to find some amazing people to lead it.”

Rumored to be in the pool of candidates is Urban’s soulmate, Steve Addazio, along with former Florida head coach Ron Zook. But perhaps the most qualified candidate to lead the family is current Denver Broncos quarterback, Tim Tebow. As one insider told us, “Tim already has four years of experience making Meyer look better than he really is.”

{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }

Urban Meyer November 29, 2011 at 9:23 am

Dear Nathan: Thank you for getting this story right. Please let your readers know that I will be happy to address any comments or questions they may have for me.

-Urban

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Jim Hesse December 1, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Turncoat!!!!!!!

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Lori November 29, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Nathan, this is by far the funniest thing written about Meyer’s new position!

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dave November 30, 2011 at 1:00 am

Who is this Urban fella? Seems pretty popular for a family guy.

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Burton Hohman November 30, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Wow this is freakin amazing! Thanks for writing it!

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Thomas Rockett November 30, 2011 at 1:11 pm

This is awesome. It appears that he has made a recent appeal to family supporters by signing a contract to keep his cell phone on silent and take family-related breaks from time to time. Is this enough to secure the support of the older alum in the family fan base?

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Doris November 30, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Which of his faces should I address?

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Dave December 1, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Not so sure of how well he enforced that curfew on his daughter.

Heard stories from some gator players.

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Mitch December 1, 2011 at 4:24 pm

awesome.

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Gator Girl December 1, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Hilarious! Spot on.

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rocko December 1, 2011 at 5:57 pm

since when did it become “illegal” to make life decisions as you see fit?

Saban, petrino, sneaky pete, etc. those are the real quitters.

haters gonna hate.

go bucks! see you in the national championship. lol

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Urban Meyer December 1, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Thank you, Rocko. It’s about time someone brought up the real issue here: legalizing my freedom to do or say whatever the hell I want.

But what can you do? As you so eloquently stated, “haters gonna hate.”

Hope to see you at the National Championship. If you can find us tickets let me know!

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Vulcan Alex December 1, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Well I agree except about seeing you at a national championship. Sweater Vest could not get it done and I doubt Urban can either.

He will need a much better defense both coaching and players, neither of which is readily avaiable to catch up with the SEC.

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Tim Tebow December 1, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Hey Urban, I would be more than honored to help.

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Urban Meyer December 1, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Alright Timmy – but no “tebowing” with my daughter, OK?

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Gordon Gee December 1, 2011 at 9:14 pm

I just hope Urban Meyer doesn’t fire me.

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Chunkasaurus December 1, 2011 at 9:37 pm

Ooh, the Bucknuts are stirring tonight, I see. How dare anyone make light of Saint Urban’s current and past career decisions! Oh, the outrage! The blog post is hilarious. The comments from fruitcake Bucknuts even more so. Keep ‘em coming! Can you get one to sputter and foam at the mouth? I love it when that happens.

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Lou Vales December 1, 2011 at 9:44 pm

I really don’t blame Urban for any of this but rather the buck-toothed enabler who even after Urban shafted him by taking the 2010 season off continues to lavish praise and even cash upon his good buddy. thought the 1 million payout was hilarious but not as hysterical as the remarks appearing on ESPN. Well, we’ve had Zook, Meyer and Muschamp. maybe the next guy will have coached as a major university.

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Lou Vales December 1, 2011 at 9:57 pm

By the way go to Swamp Gas and read the hilarious love posts that are still prevalent about our fair haired boy. Love it when ESPN says “Urban took a year off”, in actuality he took 2 years off–2010 and 2011. Urban actually has the obvious right to go anywhere he wants. I really wish he would not have been so disengenuous about his ultimate plans, would have ben nice to not use his family as part of the equation and it would really be nice if the guy in charge of the volleyball team, softball team and lacrosse team(that so many seem so proud of) has determined no farther monetary settlement is due Urban for services rendered. Maybe he can actually start planning his next football hire so that we are prepared to actually induce a HEAD coach to come to one of the 3 richest state universities in America.

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taffysue love December 2, 2011 at 12:49 am

I say leave the man alone. Let him lead his life as he sees fit for himself AND his family. I’m sure they made this decision together. Get on with your own life.

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Steve addazzio December 2, 2011 at 1:58 am

Love you urbs. You always grade out a champion. :)

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Urban Meyer December 2, 2011 at 1:20 pm

I love you too, Daz. I know I’ve said this to you before, but our friendship is literally more important to me than winning football games.

xoxo Urban xoxo

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Publics December 2, 2011 at 5:25 am

Um, sweater vest did win a national championship.

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Dan Mullen December 2, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Urban, you could not even handle your family without my help… You will struggle at OSU without me!

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Albert the Gator December 2, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Urban, you ran our program into the ground…dont let me catch you out and about…you’ll be Gator Bait!

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RON ZOOK December 2, 2011 at 6:12 pm

Geez Urban, I had an idea you’d bolt after you ran out of the players I left you, then you stayed one year too long. You really fooled those folks in Gator Nation when you said you’d be a Gator forever. Even then, they probably forgave you until you started raiding the current program. That was probably not a good move.

Cordially, Ron
P.S. You got any job openings there in Columbus?

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Ladynole December 5, 2011 at 10:24 am

Inspired by this article, my submission to Urban Dictionary http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Urban%20Meyer%20Day

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Roxanne325 December 6, 2011 at 11:31 am

@ the Buckeye commentors – hopefully if you make it to the National Championship game you won’t play an SEC team. Haven’t had much luck in that pool regardless of who your coach is.

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Roxanne325 December 6, 2011 at 11:39 am

Nathan, I must say this was excellent! Got a good giggle out of it. Seems spot on! I agree with Lou Vales comment. Yes, a person can go where they want. It is their business. Urban did a major no no with the way he handle his “I’m leaving for my health” backtracking then shortly thereafter “I’m retiring from football to take time with my family”.

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SASS0723 December 7, 2011 at 11:17 am

Maybe before he leaves Urban can donate a new ice chest to replace the one Charlie Weiss has busted from sitting on it all season.

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